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Colonel Stoopnagle's Fictionary (Unabashed) by Col. Stoopnagle

Editor’s Note:  This is a selection of Taylor’s famous ‘daffynitions’ culled from both his book, You Wouldn’t Know Me From Adam, with a few from his ongoing feature in the Saturday Evening Post.  As Taylor solicited contributions from his readers for this feature, the editor has included only those written by himself.

ALTARCATION.  Left at the church. 

AMBIDEXTROSE.  Being able to buy either granulated or lump sugar. 

ANNIVERSORRY.  The wedding date you should have remembered, but didn’t. 

ARCTICULATION.  Eskimo as she should be spoke. 

ARRESTOCRAT.  Police chief with a social background. 

BAAZAAR.  A sheep fair. 

BARETENDER.  He mixes drinks in a nudist colony. 

BENNYFIT.  Jack, doing a show for charity.

BIGLOO.  A deluxe Eskimo dwelling. 

BOTHTUB.  A place for bathing twins. 

BRAYN.  What a donkey thinks with. 

BREADUCATION.  Learning to become a baker. 

BROOMATISM.  Pain sweeping down your leg. 

CAN’TCHOVIES.  When you are unable to eat them. 

CELLOFEIGN.  An imaginary transparent wrapper. 

CHAMPAGNEZEE.  A gent who makes a monkey of himself in night clubs. 

CHEWELRY.  Gold teeth. 

CHAIRUB.  An angel sitting down 

CIGARETIQUETTE.  Not dropping ashes on the floor. 

CLARINOT.  A guy who doesn’t play the clarinet. 

CONCUBEEN.  An old concubine. 

CUCUMBERSOME.  A hefty pickle. 

DADPOLE.  A papa polliwog. 

DAPPERITION.  Ghost with a top hat, white tie and tails. 

DIMOCRACY.  The U.S.A. during a blackout. 

DISAPPEARAMID.  Mirage on the Sahara desert. 

DRABBIT.  A dull brown bunny. 

DWHARF.  An undersized pier. 

EGGOTIST.  A self-centered hen. 

FARMERCY.  A drugstore for agriculturists. 

FLATLAS.  A map of the world before Columbus. 

FOETOGRAPH.  A picture of the enemy. 

FRANTIQUE.  Just crazy about old things. 

GHOSTOFFICE.  Where the dead letters are buried. 

GRASSIERE.  A Hawaiian undergarment. 

GRUMLIN.  A grim and gloomy gremlin. 

HEALICOPTER.  One the doctor flies around in. 

HELLOCUTIONIST.  A telephone operator. 

HINDUITION.  Gandhi’s instinctive insight. 

HOGMENTED.  An increase in the pig family. 

HYMNPROVEMENT.  Better singing in church. 

IDOLEYES.  Frank Sinatra’s. 

IDON’TICAL.  Two things that don’t look alike. 

IMMEDIATRICIAN.  Doctor who wants to operate right away. 

IMMURAL.  A lewd picture on a wall. 

INFIZZABLE.  What the bubbles are when a drink’s flat. 

JUMBEAU.  A lady elephant’s sweetheart. 

KNOCKTET.  Eight woodpeckers. 

KNOCKTURNAL.  Somebody at the door at midnight. 

LACKOMOTIVE.  A train without an engine. 

LACKSIMILE.   Something that doesn’t look like anything. 

LAUGHTERMATH.  When Fred Allen’s show is over. 

MA’AMOTH.  A great big lady elephant of long ago. 

MAJAMAS.  What mother wears at night. 

MALTIMILLIONAIRE.  A wealthy brewer. 

MANOKLEPTIAC.  A guy who backs into department stores, puts stuff on the counter and runs like anything. 

MC CANICK.  An Irish machine operator. 

MENUFACTURER.  Guy who prints the bills of fare. 

MEWSICIAN.  Kitten on the keys.

MINNIE-ATURE.  What Mickey Mouse carries in the back of his watch. 

NAYBOR.  The guy next door who’ll never let you borrow the lawn mower. 

NEARLOUGH.  Same as a furlough, but you don’t go so fur. 

NETIQUETTE.  Emily Post on tennis. 

NEWSPEPPER.  Hot off the press. 

OINKMENT.  Salve for a sick pig. 

O-LIMP-IAN.   Greek runner with a Charley horse. 

OPERATUNITY.  Metropolitan audition. 

OWTING.  Picnic under a wasps’ nest. 

PADDLESCENTS.  Kids in a canoe. 

PASS’EMIST.  Guy who thinks he’ll never get by that line of traffic. 

PEDALGOGUE.  A Latin teacher on a bicycle. 

PINSTITUTE.  A bowling emporium. 

POORTRAIT.  A picture of you that you don’t like. 

PORCUPRONE.  A porcupine lying face down. 

POSSECAT.  A cat who hunts mice with a gun. 

PRAYDIO.  What we listen to on Sunday morning. 

PROFISHIONAL.  Man who catches herring for a living. 

PURRGATORY.  Where naughty little kittens go. 

REFRIGERAIDER.  A midnight marauder. 

ROAMEO.  A vagabond lover. 

ROUGHEREE.  A football umpire who’s hard on the players. 

SAPARATION.  Taking the maple syrup from the maple. 

SCISSORO.  A Roman orator known for his shear wisdom. 

SHEDACHE.  Aspirin. 

SIRCUMFERENCE.  Distance around a man’s middle. 

SNUBURB.  Outlying district where the snooty bluebloods live. 

SOWND.  Noise made by a lady pig.

SPITCHER.  A tobacco-chewing baseball hurler. 

SPLITIGATION.  The proceeds of a lawsuit divided between the lawyers. 

SUBOURBONITE.  A tipsy commuter. 

SWIGWAM.  A tepee with a bar. 

TELLERPHONE.  To give a bank clerk a ring. 

TOYLET.  Bathroom in a dollhouse. 

TROUTLAW.  A guy who fishes forbidden waters. 

WAGABOND.  A wandering puppy.

WEERIE.  A tired ghost.

WHIRMAID.  An up-to-date mermaid equipped with a propeller. 

WHOPPERWILL.  A great big night bird. 

WOBBLYGATO.  A decrepit old violinist. 

WRENOVATION.  Overhauling the little birdhouse for the new spring occupant.

YESTIMATE.  To calculate the number of affirmative votes.

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Page created November 14, 2006.  Copyright 1998-2006 by Richard D. Squires.