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How to Make Fudge by Col. Stoopnagle

1.         Wait until wife is out for afternoon.

2.         Wonder what to do next.

3.         Suddenly think of making fudge, like you used to when you were a kid.

4.         Go to kitchen.  Get saucepan out of cupboard, knocking over all other pans with great clatter.

5.         Pick up and replace all saucepans except one which is too small.

6.         Turn front burner on full.  Light match and singe eyebrows when explosion results.  Swear.

7.         Pour one cup milk and two cups sugar into pan, spilling considerable sugar on floor for that crunchy sound underfoot.

8.         Place pan over fire until smell convinces you something is burning.

9.         Run quick and give the mess a fast stir, scraping burned particles off bottom so they'll mingle unostentatiously with unburned portion.

10.       Take half a cup of cocoa and pour into boiling sugar and milk.  This will form nice little lumps which may be dissipated by bringing them singly to edge of saucepan and crushing them between back of spoon and inside of pan.  Crush about fifty of these and then give up in disgust.

11.       Wipe perspiration from forehead with clean dishtowel.

12.       Now is the time to test boiling fudge by dripping drops into cup of cold water.  If drops spread out and practically disappear, candy is not done yet.*

            *Guess who is biggest drip of all!

13.       Watch fudge boil.  Test at least ten times by cold water method.  Tire of testing and decide to eat peanut butter sandwich while waiting.  While back is turned, fudge gets viscous.  Notice this.

14.       Run and try drip method again.  This time, drops have to be shaken off spoon to fall, and immediately turn into small marbles when they hit the cold water.**

            **Who wouldn't!!

15.       Say "Hurray! It's done!"  Rush pan to sink for butter and vanilla.  Fudge is now coagulating.  Put butter in.  Put vanilla in.  Vanilla sizzles.

16.       Start to stir.

17.       Remember suddenly you haven't buttered pie-pan so fudge won't stick to it.  Stir fudge slowly with right hand while trying to butter pie-pan with the left hand.  Fudge meanwhile turns to sugar.

18.       Pour as much fudge into half-buttered pie-pan as you can.  Other three-quarters hardens in saucepan and cannot be poured.

19.       Scrape saucepan with spoon to taste quality of fudge.  Keep scraping and testing until entire contents of pan have been consumed.

20.       Get funny feeling in stomach.

21.       Go into living-room and lie down.  Wonder if you turned the burner off.  Guess you must have.  Wait for wife to return.

22.       Still waiting.  Stomach feels funnier and funnier.

23.       Still waiting.

24.       Ditto.

25.       Ditto.

26.       Same.

27.-30. Likewise.

31.       Wife returns, goes into hot kitchen, sees dirty dishes, is overcome by heat and faints.

32.       You hear thump and rush out to kitchen, discover wife on floor and think she has taken poison.  No poison handy for yourself, so you grab for the hard lump of fudge in the pie-pan and try to gulp it down.  It sticks to the pan.

33.       Wife comes to with menacing smirk.

34.       You run and hide in bathroom closet, hitting head on medicine shelf.  Bottle of peppermint drops on floor, reminding you to take some of same.  You take some.

35.       Stomach ache over.  Wife calls you with mock pleasantry.  You poke head out door sheepishly.

36.       Something hits you on head.  It's a bag containing a pound of fudge she just brought home from Ye Sweete Shoppe.  She threw it at you with all her might.

[From 1000 Jokes, Spring 1945]

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Page created November 14, 2006.  Copyright 1998-2006 by Richard D. Squires.