Pic-ings by Colonel Stoopnagle and Budd, Guest Editors by Col. Stoopnagle


            Gasoline is stuff that if you don't use good in your car, it doesn't run as well as if.

            Snuff is stuff that when you don't feel entirely well, you're not quite up to it.

            A straw is something that you drink soda water through two of them.

            A newspaper is what people don't like the editorials in sometimes, so why don't they read a different one?

            Bacon is stuff that eggs don't taste good without it, unless you don't like bacon (or perhaps you do).

            Daylight Saving Time is like when you get up early, it's an hour later somewhere where they don't have it, unless it's Central Standard Time, when it's the same, except unless they have Daylight Saving Time, too.

            A double chin is what ladies look best without and makes them feel better if they haven't got, or, if they have, have their faces lifted, which they don't.

            A doorknob is a thing a revolving door goes around without.

            A fern is a plant that you're supposed to water it once a day, but when you don't it dies, but if you do, it dies anyway, only not so soon. 


            A sieve without any holes in it for people who aren't particularly interested in straining anything.

            A cellophane mattress, so old maids don't have to get out of bed to find out who's underneath it.

            An alarm clock with half a bell, so when two people are rooming together, it only wakes up one of them.

            A stepladder without any steps in it, for washing windows on the ground floor.

            Red, white, and blue starch for keeping American flags flying when there isn't any wind.

            Round dice for people who'd rather play marbles.


Budd:   Colonel, you should be ashamed of yourself for coming out here before the microphone with your hands so dirty.

Colonel (sheepishly):  Well, I couldn't help it.

Budd:  Where have you been?  How did your hands get that way?

Colonel:  Well, I was down at the railroad station.

Budd:  Railroad station?  Wasn't there a washroom there where you could tidy up a bit?

Colonel:  I was seeing my mother-in-law off at the train.

Budd:  Seeing your mother-in-law off at the train?  What's that got to do with having dirty hands?

Colonel:  I was patting the engine.


Farmer Budd:  Say, Colonel, a funny thing happened here in th' store th' last couple days.

Farmer Stoop:  Whaddye do, make a sale?

Budd:  Nope.  A feller named Ez Salters come in day afore yistiddy with a onion stuck in his upper vest pocket.  I kinda wondered what th' idea were.

Stoop:  Don't blame ye.  What'd he have a onion sticking out'n his vest pocket fer?

Budd:  I didn't say nothin', 'cause he's a new customer.  So th' next night he come in agin, with another onion sticking out'n his pocket pert's a punkin.

Stoop:  Had a onion last night, too, eh?  Great day!

Budd:  Yeah.  An' him bein' a new customer, I still didn't say nothin' even then.  But when he come in today with a radish  in his vest pocket, m' curiosity got th' best o' me.  I says, "Ez, fer goodness sakes, why ye got thet there radish in yer vest pocket?"  An' what d'ye suppose he said?

Stoop:  Give up.

Budd:  He says, "I couldn't find no onion t' put there!" 

Books Written By Stoopnagle and Budd, or May Be Written Sometime, Maybe 

"Encyclopedias and Their Young."

"How to Light a Match Without a Fire."

"How to Tell the Apes from Your Neighbors."

"Is Photography Here to Stay?"

"The Casino Canary Kennel Murder Murder Murder," by S. S. Van Stoopdine.


[From unknown, circa 1932]


Page created November 15, 2006.  Copyright 1998-2006 by Richard D. Squires.