The Pig by Col. Stoopnagle

            A dead pig needs refilling, as he has no more oink in his pen.  A live pig is no good to anyone except (1) someone who has an empty sty or (2) another pig.  Pigs'll eat most anything, although they are not particularly fond of dried beef in cream a la king unless it's accessible.

            A man who is a glutton is often called a pig, but a pig who is a glutton is seldom called a man.  It's hardly fair.

            Someone wrote a story once called PIGS IS PIGS.  This is a very obvious statement and bad English, besides.

            We use a great many terms derived from the word "pig".  For example: Pig-headed, pig-iron, pig-in-a-poke, pig-skin, and several other terms slightly removed, such as hog-tied, boarsome, pork-barrel, No Porking Allowed, ham-strung, ham-burger, Birming-ham, Porkerhouse rolls, oinkment, porkupine, chops-sooie, hogshead, and when a hog has more than one wife, he's a pigamist.  But he'll loin better.

            If an animal happens by with an elongated, mobile snout, terminating in a naked surface bearing the nostrils, it's often a pig and is of the family Suidae, pronounced Sui-dae.  That's why, when calling a pig, people often say "Dae".

            Pigs are raised in every part of the United States, according to encyclopedias, but I have seen many places where this is not true.  Take railroad tracks, for one thing.

            Pigs are closely related to the Hippopotomidae and the Dicotylidae.  They don't know it, as it's been carefully kept from them, and they're glad.

            The pig has four complete toes on each foot, two of which touch the ground.  The other two are carried for spares.  A pig also has spare ribs.

            No thesis on pigs would be complete without mentioning "peccaries".  Peccaries.


[From ?, “Vest Pocket Essays,” circa 1940's]


Page created November 15, 2006.  Copyright 1998-2006 by Richard D. Squires.