Oh! to Be a Stoopnocrat Now That April's Here by Col. Stoopnagle

Stoopnocracy is my latest thing. I sincerely believe Stoopnocracy is something that everybody is going to be interested in, for it bids fair to stretch the length and breadth of the country. If the country should get out of breadth, I'm afraid it wouldn't have any length to stand on.

Stoopnocracy starts where Technocracy leaves off. It is a thing where all the irksome stuff is eliminated. It rids us of all the unpleasant mean things in life and builds up for everyone a happy, contented existence.

For instance, Stoopnocracy takes the little pieces of egg-shell out of your soft-boiled eggs. It eliminates people who say, "Hi there. What d'ya say? What's new?" and "So long. Don't take any wooden nickels." It does away with the tops of stuffed olive jars and with the paper wrappers they put on lump sugar in restaurants.

Stoopnocracy has taken the elimination of tassels on bathrobe cords as its first premise. (It has been suggested that we use "Oh, Promise Me" as our theme song. We're mulling over this). Tassels on bathrobe cords, as practically everyone knows, are useless and only get in your way.

How do we Stoopnocrats propose to eliminate all these irksome things? We shall do it by a new process of mine called disinvention. It is not the invention of new stuff; rather it is the invention of stuff which does away with other inventions.

For instance, who amongst us, I ask, has not been irked by the jangling of an alarm clock in the morning? Well, Stoopnocracy does away with this evil very simply and completely by disinventing an alarm clock with a silent bell, so that people don't have to get up and turn it off before they roll over and go to sleep again.

Stoopnocracy is divided into two parts; or rather, there are two groups of Stoopnocrats. One group is composed of those who furnish ideas for things that should be eliminated, while the other group is made up of those who furnish methods for eliminating them.

For instance, if a fellow passes behind me in a movie theater and musses my hair with his coat, and I tell Budd about it, then I become a Stoopnocrat.

Then, if Budd pokes him in the nose for doing it, he becomes a Stoopnocrat.

Anyone wishing to become a Stoopnocrat must first send in to us either a suggestion for something to be eliminated, or a means of eliminating something. Then, if he qualifies for membership, he must take the oath of allegience to Stoopnocracy, which I am making public now for the first time. There are nine points to the oath, which are given now in full:

  1. I swear to uphold all the stuff in connection with Stoopnocracy.
  2. I think Stoopnocracy is peachy.
  3. Machinery, I believe, is either the friend or foe of man and as such should be treated accordingly, unless there is an antidote.*
  4. I believe in more work and less leisure and often in less leisure and more work, or vise versa.
  5. I can spell S-t-o-o-p-n-o-c-r-a-c-y correctly.
  6. I'll play the game.
  7. I am against tassels on bathrobe cords.
  8. That is all I can think of right now.
* Note: Not to be confused with the animal that plays on the side of hills.

Summarily dismissed. Summarily we roll along.

Stoopnocracy really is in its infancy. We haven't even had time to select a slogan. Several have been suggested, however. Here are a few of them:

"Help the cause of Stoopnocracy or bust!"
"Bust of Stoopnocracy, or cause!"
"Or help Bust The Stoopnocracy, of cause!"
"Cause the bust of Stoopnocracy, or help!"

Stoopnocracy sort of doesn't care much about slogans, so maybe we'll just shorten all of these up and use "Help." I am sure you readers felt like saying that right off.

Stoopnocracy, as I said before, really begins where Technocracy leaves off. The Technocrats are troubled by the economic situation which has caused the lines of everything to drop down, down, down on all charts. In newspapers and newsreels the Technocrats have been exhibiting countless charts such as Stoopnograph No. 1 shown at the top of page 3.

As in the case with this chart, all the Technocracy charts show the heavy line going down until it reaches the point marked "Now" which seems to be about the bottom. The problem the Technocrats are trying to solve is how to make these lines go up again. "Bring about the upswing," I think they term it.

Well, Stoopnocracy has succeeded where Technocracy has failed. The new Stoopnograph (No. 2) solves the problem once and for all.

Stoopnograph No. 2 accomplishes several things. You will note that it really is only half a chart and therefore is only half as confusing and half as irksome as regular charts. You will note also that Stoopnograph No. 2 starts with "Now" in the lower left hand corner. Since there is no other place for the lines to go, they must go up, as is shown in Stoopnograph No. 3.

It can be seen plainly in this illustration that the line tried several times to drop down but was forced by the chart to continue up. Thus, Stoopnocracy has brought about the upswing very simply and easily with this new chart.

Naturally, the question arose about what to do with the old Technocracy charts. Stoopnocracy did not falter when this crisis arose. Stoopnocrats always play the game. It was found that the Technocracy charts make as peachy tick-tack-toe boards as you have ever seen. Stoopnograph No. 4 (herewith) shows one of these charts being used just for that purpose:

If Radio Guide will permit me to do so, I should like to write more at a later date telling of some more evils we shall eliminate, and how we are going to do it.

Budd, my partner, is a droll fellow. He came up to me the other night and said, "Colonel, tell the names of some of the most prominent Stoopnocrats."

"Well, Charles Evans Hughes," I replied.

"Why, Colonel," Budd said, "Hughes is a Republican."

"I am not," I replied, "I'm a Stoopnocrat."

Flowers are peachy things, too.

Naturally, Radio Guide will be interested in knowing what the effect of Stoopnocracy will be on radio. I have made a special survey for Radio Guide to determine what phases of broadcasting should be eliminated. Here are a few of the things Stoopnocracy would do in radio:

  1. No radio performer or announcer would use the words "folks" or "kiddies." (we realize this might ruin the industry, but we must carry on).
  2. Radio comedians would not be allowed to use any puns that had been used more than ten times the same week on the air.
  3. Radio would never be referred to as "ether" or "etherizing."
There are many more changes Stoopnocracy would effect, but I must wait until another day to tell you about them. Right now I am going out to organize a Stoopnocratic parade. There will only be one person in the parade, so as not to block traffic, and I've got to try to figure out who this one person should be.

[Radio Guide, circa 1932]


Page created March 14, 2005.  Copyright 1998-2005 by Richard D. Squires.